Second chances

"You are my sonshine". ~Author Unknown

Ten years, eight-months and eight days after I lost my first born son to adoption, my second son graced me with his presence in this world. His name is Ian. He has a kind heart and is the sweetest thing you could ever meet. We have had so many great times together in his young life and I look forward to so many more memories that will last my lifetime, as well as his. I want him to look back on his life with me and know he was loved, cherished, wanted and above all else has a deep respect for his heritage and knowing where he comes from. He is part of me; of my clan. My blood (and his fathers, of course) runs through his veins. I am grateful for every day that I am lucky enough to have him in my life and to hear him call me "mom". I have been a mother for over twenty years. For only the last 10 of those years have I actually been acknowledged as such.

That being said, having my second son has been bittersweet. He did not and does not replace his brother. All of the above things mentioned about him are also how I feel about my first son, although I would give anything to know more about his personality than the crumbs I was given, so I could say even more. I was never permitted to feel that way by society, or to show him how much he really WAS wanted and cherished and loved. He should have been given that deep respect for his heritage and knowing where HE came from too. He too is a part of me; of my clan. My blood (and his father's, of course) runs through his veins. I AM NOT grateful that he was not in my life. I AM NOT grateful that some other woman and her husband claimed my son as their own after they conned and manipulated me with lies of a bogus "open adoption". I AM NOT grateful that he had to claim their last name (that was not his) and that he goes through his life as one of their clan; all because they had the funds to purchase him when I found myself in a bad spot when I was a 19 year old young woman.

Their money should not have overridden the importance of his rightful name and heritage. They thought their money and four bedroom house on a cul-de-sac meant that they had all the self entitled, selfish claim to a child that was not theirs, MY SON. His adopters may have allowed him to know about us and my heritage, but they never encouraged him to want to be a part of us and of where he came from. They made sure I was kept at arms length. Yes, she is your "birthmother" and this is her heritage, but WE are your parents, so don't go allowing her into our fantasy world. We have to have you all to ourselves. We bought you and we own you. You are OURS.

Money comes and goes. I would not have been a young woman forever, living in an apartment. What baby cares where they live, as long as they have their mother?! I would have been able to have taken care of my child just fine, without their intervention. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind of it. Financial situations change. Life situations change. Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

When I became pregnant with Ian, he was (can we have a collective *gasp*) unplanned. His dad and I had known each other for many years and were together off and off for many of those years, but we were not married and had no intention in getting married. In saying this, I am not advocating for single motherhood and inferring that it is best to have a child out of wedlock. That is not what I am saying at all. I am, however, saying that I did become pregnant again, at the age of 30 and it was unexpected and unplanned. There was no way in hell I was letting this child go. Not a snowball's chance in hell.

Even at that age, I was still not living the life I should have been leading. I was so damaged from losing my first born son that I had made many wrong choices in those 10 years since losing him. I was trying, so very hard to get a grip on my life at that time. Ian coming along had a way of putting all of that into perspective. I was not living in the lap of luxury, but I was going to make it with this child. I was going to do whatever it took to make it with this child. His father was always in the picture helping me and he still is.

We are doing just fine, thank you very much, (and that especially goes out to all of you who make snarky remarks about single mothers; who act as if our children will grow up to be vagrants of society). That also especially goes out to all of you who suggest that if a woman is single and and pregnant, she should head down to the nearest A-DOP-TION agency and start looking through those perfect parent profile folders; you know those perfect parents that you will never be, because you don't have a ring on your finger. You are deluded, ignorant people; who'd never in a million years think of helping someone keep her infant, unless of course it was to help yourselves to said infant.

My son has everything could ever need or want. He is clothed. He is fed. He goes to a good school and has many friends there. He comes home to his mother every day and tells me he missed me and he loves me. It hasn't always been a picnic and I'm sure there will be plenty more bumps in the road, but there is not one day that goes by that I regret having this child, keeping this child and being this child's mother. That is the way it was supposed to be. Why? Because mother NATURE said so and I am not going to argue with her.

What is the most bittersweet of all of this? That having my second son and keeping and raising him, as I absolutely had every right to do made me realize many things, so very painful and eye opening. It made me realize that losing my first son was, without question, unnecessary. I did not have to lose him to people who thought they were so much better than I was (and weren't). I did not have to lose him to people who lied to and conned me out of him with false promises of a bogus open adoption they never intended to keep open. I did not have to lose him and nearly destroy myself in the process. I did not have to lose him and allow him to suffer too. He may not see it now, but he has lost so much too.

Those people had no right to my child and they still don't. As far as I am concerned they should be held accountable to the full extent of the law for what they did to me; of course while they sit in their church pews every Sunday as if they are so saintly and perfect.

The moral of this story is this: I would have been a good mother to my child and I know I would have. It can be done and it is done, every day. Women from all walks of life successfully raise their children to be good, decent members of society. Women from all walks of life do it with or without a partner or a husband. You don't have to give your child up because you think you can't do it; because you are too young, unmarried and not wealthy enough. You can. I can. Anyone can and it is done every single day, all over the world.

As I close, all I have left to say is that they didn't get my Ian from me and they never will. They shouldn't have gotten my Matthew either...

Women like "US"

"Patterning your life around other's opinions is nothing more than slavery".~ Lawana Blackwell

I feel compelled to write a piece about a comment I read on one of my favorite blogs written by Cassi, at http://adoptiontruth-casjoh.blogspot.com/.

Cassi wrote a wonderful piece in regards to how a great many AP's take issue with the fact that they have to go through a screening process and be "scrutinized" when they want to adopt the flesh and blood of someone else.

An anonymous commenter posted a comment that read like this:

"Why are you suddenly punching adoptive parents so much? Aren't you supposed to be the one who respects them and wants to hear what they have to say? I guess not I guess that was all a lie to further your agenda. Yes I did have to go through the things you mentioned to adopt my son and I am not afraid to admit that its wrong that I have to be held under such scrutiny when there are other moms who nobody cares how they might treat their children and can walk out of the hospital without anyone asking anything about what kind of parent they will be. And your decision of the kind of parent you are is based on yourself and your opinion and your child's adoptive parents could feel that they were just as good of parents and who would doubt them except for you who comes up with anger and bitterness and excuses for why you must be better than them. Maybe you are just upset because you were unable to give your children the things they deserve and so now you need to beat up on adoptive parents for having what you don't to offer. I really can't imagine any adoptive parent putting any kind of true care into what you write or say because how could they when they are the ones who care and tend for the very children women like you couldn't take care of."

I don't even know where to begin. Let's just break it down, piece by piece, shall we?

"Yes I did have to go through the things you mentioned to adopt my son and I am not afraid to admit that its wrong that I have to be held under such scrutiny when there are other moms who nobody cares how they might treat their children and can walk out of the hospital without anyone asking anything about what kind of parent they will be."

It is wrong WHY? You want to adopt someone ELSE'S child. You should damn well be held under such scrutiny and THEN SOME. Do you think someone is just supposed to hand over their infant to you because you say you are Mrs. Saintly Savior Perfection? You think that someone is just supposed to hand over their infant to you because you have a hefty bank account and a nice big back yard with a pool? Ohhhhh... you are so very special and entitled aren't you? When there are "OTHER MOMS" who walk out of the hospital without anyone asking anything about what kind of parent they will be? Other moms being the women who created, gestated, gained all kinds of weight, had swollen feet and a swollen nose, then went to the hospital to give birth to the child that had come to term inside THEIR body? Oh, you mean those OTHER moms!! The MOTHERS who actually gave birth and will be leaving the hospital with their infants. I get it! You say "other" mothers like you are just like them and have every right to help yourself to their infants. NO, you are not just like them so stop saying "other" mothers like you are a mother who just gave birth and are waiting to go home from the hospital with your baby, like they are.

And let's clear something else up. What business is it of yours what kind a parent someone will be? Are you the "parent police", thinking you are so much better than they are? We are all supposed to pay and be policed and scrutinized because your womb cannot carry a child to term? We ALL have to pay for that; or we would if some of you infertiles had their way. You can't have a child so every fertile woman in existence is going to pay for that. Sick, sick people.

"And your decision of the kind of parent you are is based on yourself and your opinion and your child's adoptive parents could feel that they were just as good of parents and who would doubt them except for you who comes up with anger and bitterness and excuses for why you must be better than them"

The decision of the kind of parent we are is based on ourselves? How about they are OUR children and we had every right to keep and raise them! No adoptive parent would have been a better parent to my child than I would have been. My son's certainly weren't. They looked great on paper who turned out to be lying manipulators, who conned me out of my son with lies. Yeah, they are SOOO much better than me. My son was raised by that. There is no doubt in my mind that I could have and would have been a good mother to my own child. I think I speak for many other mothers of adoption loss when I say that.

"Maybe you are just upset because you were unable to give your children the things they deserve and so now you need to beat up on adoptive parents for having what you don't to offer."

Unable to give them what?? What they deserve?? Who the hell are you to decide what someone else's flesh and blood deserves? A child deserves his mother and father. A child deserves his identity. A child deserves his heritage. A child deserves to be clothed, fed and housed. Could you have provided all of that? NO! You can provide material things and that makes you special why? What infant cares how many toys you can buy him. He/ she needs their mother and the love and nurturing that she can provide. It is in her genetic make-up and pre-pregnancy hormones to provide that love to her infant. The importance of material things is something that is TAUGHT, a great deal of the time by adopters who stress that material things were more important than a child having his natural family. Those children grow up believing this LIE because that is what they were indoctrinated with. Financial situations change. Life situations change. Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and you know it. Your goal is to get the infant before a mother has time to realize this and by then it is too late. Then someone like you has to audacity to come to a first mother blog and call her bitter and jealous of YOU because you thought you could provide so much more. Get over yourself, please.

"I really can't imagine any adoptive parent putting any kind of true care into what you write or say because how could they when they are the ones who care and tend for the very children women like you couldn't take care of."

And here is the real clincher. "The ones who care and tend for the very children WOMEN LIKE YOU couldn't." Woman like us!!?:? Women like us; who provided you with your prize when we were young, naive, scared and vulnerable, you meant to say. "Women like us", who were perfectly capable of keeping and raising our own children and you know it. You think your money made you such a better option to raise someone else's child? I think not. Women like YOU are all that is wrong with domestic infant adoption. Women like YOU are self entitled, arrogant, self righteous and have no business having someone else's child in your possession. I feel sorry for those children that are.

I am proud of women like US, who have the courage to speak out against what women like YOU did to us. I get a kick out of reading posts by women like YOU, who know that it will all come crashing down for you and your perfect little fantasy one day.

Why?

"He who has a why to live can bear almost any how."
~Friedrich Nietzsche

Why did things have to turn out this way? Why did I trust those people who only used me then tossed me aside for what was in my womb? Why did I have to lose my son needlessly? Why did my family not reach out to help their daughter, sister, niece and grandaughter and say NO, don't do this!!!??? Why were they never there for me, especially after the most traumatic event of my life? Was a 20 year old young woman that horrible of a person? Why did I self destruct-the the brink of death and back, only to have survived to live with what has become of my life, every day? Why am I sitting here at 41 years old hating what adoption and all that it entails has done to my life? Will I always suffer? Will I ever be normal again? Normal being actually "feeling" like a normal human being with friends and family and a future that looked oh so bright; oh so long ago...

I ask myself these questions on a regular basis.

Really, I am not some psychotic, ranting woman who slobbers all over herself, has no teeth and locks herself away from everyone, to live the rest of my days as a vagrant to society. I just cannot, at times, reconcile why this has happened to me and why I will never be the person I was, before adoption came into my life.

I like to think that I function quite well. I am intelligent, well spoken, in great shape and take great pride in my appearance. However, I don't feel "right". I walk down the street and see happy couples, families and friends so carefree and happy. I remember what it was like to be like that and I get very sad that I know I will never be "right" again.

Something is always amiss. Something is always wrong. My child is missing from my life. He walks the earth, calls some other woman mom and her husband dad, goes home to visit them, calls them on the phone, spends holidays with them and I am left here. The forgotten one, the one noone wanted around. Too much of an inconvenience. My life was a living hell for so many years and they all go on like everything is just peachy king. Yeah, it pisses me off.

I have days, when things are okay and I feel semi-normal. Most of those days and moments are when my I am with my son. All of those moments are with him, actually. He is going to grow up one day and have a life of his own. I only hope that my adoption trauma has not effected him as it has me. I never, ever want him to know the pain I have had to live. I want him to be normal and always feel "right" in this world.

Post reunion has not been good for me or my lost son; as in our relationship. Yes, I should have kept my big mouth shut, but I felt I had every right to contact his saintly adopter mother and tell her how I felt about what she did to me. I met this woman and spent time with her before he was born. I knew her before he did. I chose this woman who told me to "trust her". It was my choice of her and what she did to me that caused the living hell I had lived for the last 19 years. Your damn right I had a right to send her a message on Facebook... with her fake, phony smile beaming out to me from Facebookland, on MY son's Facebook page.

Not one time did she reach out to me after I found my son. Not one time did she say she was sorry for "losing contact", (yeah, that was their lame excuse). Not one time did she or any of her family offer one kind word to me or my youngest son. That sealed the deal. I officially abhorred her, and all of them for that matter. They called themselves such good Christians, yet could not offer even a simple hello to the woman who made their happiness possible, (at the expense of mine and my families happiness, without my child).

I did not want to hurt my son by confronting her, but his concern was for her; for them and only them. He refused to hear the truth of what had happened to US, so our relationship was severed. We only had an email relationship anyway; which was very controlled by them I highly suspect; but I committed the ultimate faux pas by speaking up for myself against untouchable, saintly, savior adopter mother.

How dare I. She get's off scot free after promising me things she knew she was never going to deliver on, to obtain my child and I am supposed to sit silently in the corner, like meek little "burfmommy"; forever cast to the shadows. HA! I think they had me slightly mistaken for someone else. I wonder how many times now they wish they had gotten another "birthmother", instead of one who actually stood up for the crime against humanity that was committed against myself and my son.

My son does not want me to ever contact them again, as I was told in November of
'09. Under no circumstances. He then posted a bible quote on his Facebook page that read something to the effect of "The wrath of God this or that". WOW. I am now the devil and god will strike me dead for dare speaking out against saintly adopter mother.

So let me get this straight. I got screwed in an open adoption, make every effort to find my child so he can know the truth of his life and what happened, then am apparently not allowed to speak up for what happened to me withouth being told to "never contact us again" and am now an evil devil who will be punished by the wrath of god.

So here we had a twenty year old woman, scared, vulnerable and trusting of people who tell her that she is doing the right thing for her child by relinguishing him because she is too young, too unmarried and too unwealthy. She goes through with this crime against humanity, (adoption), gets conned in a fraudulent open adoption just a few short years later. All of what is happening now, some twenty years later, is all I have for the hell I lived through all these years. Being called the devil by my own child, who will be punished by the wrath of god for daring to speak out against my oppressors, his adopters and the greedy baby brokers who facilited the whole thing.

Thanks adoption. Thanks a bunch. That win-win for all you liked to tout as the cure all in adoption... please tell me when that is going to come to fruition for me. I haven't felt like I've won much of anything in any of this. Especially now.

Silence = Oppression. Hence the name of this blog. I will never be silenced. Not my my son's adopters, and not even by him. I love him and wanted him in my life more than life itself, but I will not be told that I can have no voice in what has happened to me and to HIM. I DO NOT blame my son. He has been brainwashed by these people. I know this but he refuses to see it. Until he does things will have to be the way they are; and I hate every minute of it. He has the truth. What he chooses to do with it is up to him.

Why? I'll I can ever say is why? I feel like I am in a nightmare I cannot wake up from sometime, until I see my youngest son's smiling face and I know that things are going to be okay. Thank you, Ian.