Monday, January 24, 2011

Second chances

"You are my sonshine". ~Author Unknown

Ten years, eight-months and eight days after I lost my first born son to adoption, my second son graced me with his presence in this world. His name is Ian. He has a kind heart and is the sweetest thing you could ever meet. We have had so many great times together in his young life and I look forward to so many more memories that will last my lifetime, as well as his. I want him to look back on his life with me and know he was loved, cherished, wanted and above all else has a deep respect for his heritage and knowing where he comes from. He is part of me; of my clan. My blood (and his fathers, of course) runs through his veins. I am grateful for every day that I am lucky enough to have him in my life and to hear him call me "mom". I have been a mother for over twenty years. For only the last 10 of those years have I actually been acknowledged as such.

That being said, having my second son has been bittersweet. He did not and does not replace his brother. All of the above things mentioned about him are also how I feel about my first son, although I would give anything to know more about his personality than the crumbs I was given, so I could say even more. I was never permitted to feel that way by society, or to show him how much he really WAS wanted and cherished and loved. He should have been given that deep respect for his heritage and knowing where HE came from too. He too is a part of me; of my clan. My blood (and his father's, of course) runs through his veins. I AM NOT grateful that he was not in my life. I AM NOT grateful that some other woman and her husband claimed my son as their own after they conned and manipulated me with lies of a bogus "open adoption". I AM NOT grateful that he had to claim their last name (that was not his) and that he goes through his life as one of their clan; all because they had the funds to purchase him when I found myself in a bad spot when I was a 19 year old young woman.

Their money should not have overridden the importance of his rightful name and heritage. They thought their money and four bedroom house on a cul-de-sac meant that they had all the self entitled, selfish claim to a child that was not theirs, MY SON. His adopters may have allowed him to know about us and my heritage, but they never encouraged him to want to be a part of us and of where he came from. They made sure I was kept at arms length. Yes, she is your "birthmother" and this is her heritage, but WE are your parents, so don't go allowing her into our fantasy world. We have to have you all to ourselves. We bought you and we own you. You are OURS.

Money comes and goes. I would not have been a young woman forever, living in an apartment. What baby cares where they live, as long as they have their mother?! I would have been able to have taken care of my child just fine, without their intervention. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind of it. Financial situations change. Life situations change. Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

When I became pregnant with Ian, he was (can we have a collective *gasp*) unplanned. His dad and I had known each other for many years and were together off and off for many of those years, but we were not married and had no intention in getting married. In saying this, I am not advocating for single motherhood and inferring that it is best to have a child out of wedlock. That is not what I am saying at all. I am, however, saying that I did become pregnant again, at the age of 30 and it was unexpected and unplanned. There was no way in hell I was letting this child go. Not a snowball's chance in hell.

Even at that age, I was still not living the life I should have been leading. I was so damaged from losing my first born son that I had made many wrong choices in those 10 years since losing him. I was trying, so very hard to get a grip on my life at that time. Ian coming along had a way of putting all of that into perspective. I was not living in the lap of luxury, but I was going to make it with this child. I was going to do whatever it took to make it with this child. His father was always in the picture helping me and he still is.

We are doing just fine, thank you very much, (and that especially goes out to all of you who make snarky remarks about single mothers; who act as if our children will grow up to be vagrants of society). That also especially goes out to all of you who suggest that if a woman is single and and pregnant, she should head down to the nearest A-DOP-TION agency and start looking through those perfect parent profile folders; you know those perfect parents that you will never be, because you don't have a ring on your finger. You are deluded, ignorant people; who'd never in a million years think of helping someone keep her infant, unless of course it was to help yourselves to said infant.

My son has everything could ever need or want. He is clothed. He is fed. He goes to a good school and has many friends there. He comes home to his mother every day and tells me he missed me and he loves me. It hasn't always been a picnic and I'm sure there will be plenty more bumps in the road, but there is not one day that goes by that I regret having this child, keeping this child and being this child's mother. That is the way it was supposed to be. Why? Because mother NATURE said so and I am not going to argue with her.

What is the most bittersweet of all of this? That having my second son and keeping and raising him, as I absolutely had every right to do made me realize many things, so very painful and eye opening. It made me realize that losing my first son was, without question, unnecessary. I did not have to lose him to people who thought they were so much better than I was (and weren't). I did not have to lose him to people who lied to and conned me out of him with false promises of a bogus open adoption they never intended to keep open. I did not have to lose him and nearly destroy myself in the process. I did not have to lose him and allow him to suffer too. He may not see it now, but he has lost so much too.

Those people had no right to my child and they still don't. As far as I am concerned they should be held accountable to the full extent of the law for what they did to me; of course while they sit in their church pews every Sunday as if they are so saintly and perfect.

The moral of this story is this: I would have been a good mother to my child and I know I would have. It can be done and it is done, every day. Women from all walks of life successfully raise their children to be good, decent members of society. Women from all walks of life do it with or without a partner or a husband. You don't have to give your child up because you think you can't do it; because you are too young, unmarried and not wealthy enough. You can. I can. Anyone can and it is done every single day, all over the world.

As I close, all I have left to say is that they didn't get my Ian from me and they never will. They shouldn't have gotten my Matthew either...


  1. I'm glad to have found you in this virtual blogosphere. I'm another mother, promised an open adoption, lied to, they closed it, etc etc.

    Keep telling your truth. There are so many of us out here.

  2. Thank you Heather! We all have voices that need to be heard loud and clear. Thanks for your support and I am so sorry you had to endure the same thing that I did. It is just despicable.

    Maybe, just maybe we can make a difference.