Saturday, February 12, 2011
"Although some brainwashing parents may avoid conflict with you, inside they’re often a boiling cauldron of hatred and hostility." –
These were the words that were spoken to me by my own child at our first and apparently only meeting; after I told him that I had always regretted going through with the adoption and always grieved the loss of him; of us losing one another in our lives. "God puts us where were supposed to be". Time stopped when I heard those words. I struggled to breathe. He could not mean that.
Did he think I was such a horrible person and that I would have been such a horrible mother that he actually DID believe that? What was said to him, via his adopters of course, that would have made him believe this nonsense? Us losing one another for all those years was tragic, horrific and painful beyond words. It could all be so simple as "God puts us where we are supposed to be?" I don't think so.
I realized not long after that meeting that those were not HIS words, but those of his adopters and their prospective clans. They have worked their brainwashing magic into him since day one (you know, the adopter "magic" of convincing a child whom is not really theirs that it was all "meant to be" and you were never supposed to be with that woman who created, carried and gave birth to you). 'She means nothing. We mean everything and will, for the rest of your life, drill this nonsense into your head so you will actually believe it.'
What better way to do this than to brainwash and indoctrinate a child into religion. By doing that, you have, for rest of your lives, guaranteed that your adoptee will remain loyal to you and only you. You have guaranteed that your adoptee will always and forever see you as you and your saintly, saviour selves as his only parents and family. You have guaranteed that 'your' adoptee (MY son) will never see his mother (you know, the one you conned, manipulated and decieved out of her child with lies and false promises of an "open adoption" you never intended to honor) as nothing but an incubator for YOU. Why? Because how is your adoptee supposed to argue with your god you have convinced him really exists? Your god willed it all so he can't possible argue with that, can he? WRONG.
I did and came up with my own conclusion that has nothing to do with any god or supernatural deity who willed the horror and pain of what I had to endure all so they could live happily ever after in fantasy land.
I was a believer at one time, too, although I was what I would call a skeptical believer. I always had doubts about the existence of a supernatural being who will's things to happen in people's lives, but I "went along with it", so to speak, as so many do, so not to shake things up. Besides, what does it hurt, to believe in god, a higher power? People who are Christians are good, decent people who live a Godly life, right? They don't deliberately hurt someone, namely a young, vulnerable scared pregnant woman, because they are so desperate for a baby? Nah. No "good "Christian" would do such a thing, would they? WRONG.
When I chose the couple who would go on to adopt my son (good GOD it hurts to even write), that is one of the things that appealed to me about them. They were good Christians. They would be honorable people. They would not lie to me, hurt my son or hurt me. They would make good on their promises to me of ongoing contact and pictures, letter and videotapes until my son turned 18.
That was the worst mistake I could have made in that whole process, trusting these people based on their bogus "good Christian" persona's. That was used as a marketing tool, by them and by the baby brokers. They have used their "tool" throughout my son's life to convince him that he belonged with them and not me, his rightful mother. They are still using their we're such good Christians tool and I think they succeed in fooling a great many people by their fake, phony, holier than thou, self righteous bit.
One person they stopped fooling a long time ago is ME, the person it mattered most that did believe their hogwash; so they could get their hands on my flesh and blood and leave me for dead. It didn't work. I woke up from the fog and they were exposed for what they really were. What they really were and are is desperate, self entitled, selfish, cold-hearted liars who would have done anything to get their hands on a womb wet infant, then wish that child's mother dead. Nothing more, nothing less. You can spare me the "good Christian" bullshit. It's over. If I believed in any god, which I most certainly no longer do, they would be the farthest thing from what a "good Christian" could and would ever be. Guaranteed.
This is astoundingly sickening beyond words. I have to block it out most of the time. I just can't think about it. These liars who claim to be such "good Christan's" think they can get away with this after what they did to me, by using their "god's will" agenda; as so many other adopters do. My situation is not unique, unfortunately.
I will say this with absolute certainty. I do not now, nor will I ever believe that there is some god who allows some to gain at the expense and suffering of another. What kind of god is that? Is that a fair god? Is that a just god? Is that a god who only cares about the poor infertile woman and her zeal to become a mother no matter who's life is destroyed in the process? If there is such a "god", he's a real jerk. He loved her and her family but didn't love me? Geez, I feel so snubbed; so unworthy so undeserving of my own child. NO, that is how I used to feel. Not anymore. That is the thought process they had hoped I would carry with me throughout my life; so they could continue to live in fantasy land with my child. I was worthy of my child; I was worthy to be a mother to my own flesh and blood. She was not more worthy and deserving of my child than I. She never was and will never be.
I, today am not so narcissistic to think that there is a god who has plans just for ME, no matter what the cost to my fellow human beings. I think there are a great many adopters who may need to take heed to that. They want what they want and will use any means to get it, including invisible cloud buddy in the sky.
Unfortunately for you, there are those such as myself who are speaking out about what happened to us. Your bubble is being burst and I will not ever stop speaking out; especially where religion and adoption are concerned. Too many young women are being separated from their children by those using the word of "god" as their weapon of choice. I has to stop. Now.
“Trying to reform narcissists by reasoning with them or by appealing to their better nature is about as effective as spitting in the ocean.”
Monday, January 24, 2011
We are doing just fine, thank you very much, (and that especially goes out to all of you who make snarky remarks about single mothers; who act as if our children will grow up to be vagrants of society). That also especially goes out to all of you who suggest that if a woman is single and and pregnant, she should head down to the nearest A-DOP-TION agency and start looking through those perfect parent profile folders; you know those perfect parents that you will never be, because you don't have a ring on your finger. You are deluded, ignorant people; who'd never in a million years think of helping someone keep her infant, unless of course it was to help yourselves to said infant.
Those people had no right to my child and they still don't. As far as I am concerned they should be held accountable to the full extent of the law for what they did to me; of course while they sit in their church pews every Sunday as if they are so saintly and perfect.
As I close, all I have left to say is that they didn't get my Ian from me and they never will. They shouldn't have gotten my Matthew either...
Sunday, January 23, 2011
I feel compelled to write a piece about a comment I read on one of my favorite blogs written by Cassi, at http://adoptiontruth-casjoh.blogspot.com/.
Cassi wrote a wonderful piece in regards to how a great many AP's take issue with the fact that they have to go through a screening process and be "scrutinized" when they want to adopt the flesh and blood of someone else.
An anonymous commenter posted a comment that read like this:
"Why are you suddenly punching adoptive parents so much? Aren't you supposed to be the one who respects them and wants to hear what they have to say? I guess not I guess that was all a lie to further your agenda. Yes I did have to go through the things you mentioned to adopt my son and I am not afraid to admit that its wrong that I have to be held under such scrutiny when there are other moms who nobody cares how they might treat their children and can walk out of the hospital without anyone asking anything about what kind of parent they will be. And your decision of the kind of parent you are is based on yourself and your opinion and your child's adoptive parents could feel that they were just as good of parents and who would doubt them except for you who comes up with anger and bitterness and excuses for why you must be better than them. Maybe you are just upset because you were unable to give your children the things they deserve and so now you need to beat up on adoptive parents for having what you don't to offer. I really can't imagine any adoptive parent putting any kind of true care into what you write or say because how could they when they are the ones who care and tend for the very children women like you couldn't take care of."
I don't even know where to begin. Let's just break it down, piece by piece, shall we?
"Yes I did have to go through the things you mentioned to adopt my son and I am not afraid to admit that its wrong that I have to be held under such scrutiny when there are other moms who nobody cares how they might treat their children and can walk out of the hospital without anyone asking anything about what kind of parent they will be."
It is wrong WHY? You want to adopt someone ELSE'S child. You should damn well be held under such scrutiny and THEN SOME. Do you think someone is just supposed to hand over their infant to you because you say you are Mrs. Saintly Savior Perfection? You think that someone is just supposed to hand over their infant to you because you have a hefty bank account and a nice big back yard with a pool? Ohhhhh... you are so very special and entitled aren't you? When there are "OTHER MOMS" who walk out of the hospital without anyone asking anything about what kind of parent they will be? Other moms being the women who created, gestated, gained all kinds of weight, had swollen feet and a swollen nose, then went to the hospital to give birth to the child that had come to term inside THEIR body? Oh, you mean those OTHER moms!! The MOTHERS who actually gave birth and will be leaving the hospital with their infants. I get it! You say "other" mothers like you are just like them and have every right to help yourself to their infants. NO, you are not just like them so stop saying "other" mothers like you are a mother who just gave birth and are waiting to go home from the hospital with your baby, like they are.
And let's clear something else up. What business is it of yours what kind a parent someone will be? Are you the "parent police", thinking you are so much better than they are? We are all supposed to pay and be policed and scrutinized because your womb cannot carry a child to term? We ALL have to pay for that; or we would if some of you infertiles had their way. You can't have a child so every fertile woman in existence is going to pay for that. Sick, sick people.
"And your decision of the kind of parent you are is based on yourself and your opinion and your child's adoptive parents could feel that they were just as good of parents and who would doubt them except for you who comes up with anger and bitterness and excuses for why you must be better than them"
The decision of the kind of parent we are is based on ourselves? How about they are OUR children and we had every right to keep and raise them! No adoptive parent would have been a better parent to my child than I would have been. My son's certainly weren't. They looked great on paper who turned out to be lying manipulators, who conned me out of my son with lies. Yeah, they are SOOO much better than me. My son was raised by that. There is no doubt in my mind that I could have and would have been a good mother to my own child. I think I speak for many other mothers of adoption loss when I say that.
"Maybe you are just upset because you were unable to give your children the things they deserve and so now you need to beat up on adoptive parents for having what you don't to offer."
Unable to give them what?? What they deserve?? Who the hell are you to decide what someone else's flesh and blood deserves? A child deserves his mother and father. A child deserves his identity. A child deserves his heritage. A child deserves to be clothed, fed and housed. Could you have provided all of that? NO! You can provide material things and that makes you special why? What infant cares how many toys you can buy him. He/ she needs their mother and the love and nurturing that she can provide. It is in her genetic make-up and pre-pregnancy hormones to provide that love to her infant. The importance of material things is something that is TAUGHT, a great deal of the time by adopters who stress that material things were more important than a child having his natural family. Those children grow up believing this LIE because that is what they were indoctrinated with. Financial situations change. Life situations change. Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and you know it. Your goal is to get the infant before a mother has time to realize this and by then it is too late. Then someone like you has to audacity to come to a first mother blog and call her bitter and jealous of YOU because you thought you could provide so much more. Get over yourself, please.
"I really can't imagine any adoptive parent putting any kind of true care into what you write or say because how could they when they are the ones who care and tend for the very children women like you couldn't take care of."
And here is the real clincher. "The ones who care and tend for the very children WOMEN LIKE YOU couldn't." Woman like us!!?:? Women like us; who provided you with your prize when we were young, naive, scared and vulnerable, you meant to say. "Women like us", who were perfectly capable of keeping and raising our own children and you know it. You think your money made you such a better option to raise someone else's child? I think not. Women like YOU are all that is wrong with domestic infant adoption. Women like YOU are self entitled, arrogant, self righteous and have no business having someone else's child in your possession. I feel sorry for those children that are.
I am proud of women like US, who have the courage to speak out against what women like YOU did to us. I get a kick out of reading posts by women like YOU, who know that it will all come crashing down for you and your perfect little fantasy one day.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Why did things have to turn out this way? Why did I trust those people who only used me then tossed me aside for what was in my womb? Why did I have to lose my son needlessly? Why did my family not reach out to help their daughter, sister, niece and grandaughter and say NO, don't do this!!!??? Why were they never there for me, especially after the most traumatic event of my life? Was a 20 year old young woman that horrible of a person? Why did I self destruct-the the brink of death and back, only to have survived to live with what has become of my life, every day? Why am I sitting here at 41 years old hating what adoption and all that it entails has done to my life? Will I always suffer? Will I ever be normal again? Normal being actually "feeling" like a normal human being with friends and family and a future that looked oh so bright; oh so long ago...
I ask myself these questions on a regular basis.
Really, I am not some psychotic, ranting woman who slobbers all over herself, has no teeth and locks herself away from everyone, to live the rest of my days as a vagrant to society. I just cannot, at times, reconcile why this has happened to me and why I will never be the person I was, before adoption came into my life.
I like to think that I function quite well. I am intelligent, well spoken, in great shape and take great pride in my appearance. However, I don't feel "right". I walk down the street and see happy couples, families and friends so carefree and happy. I remember what it was like to be like that and I get very sad that I know I will never be "right" again.
Something is always amiss. Something is always wrong. My child is missing from my life. He walks the earth, calls some other woman mom and her husband dad, goes home to visit them, calls them on the phone, spends holidays with them and I am left here. The forgotten one, the one noone wanted around. Too much of an inconvenience. My life was a living hell for so many years and they all go on like everything is just peachy king. Yeah, it pisses me off.
I have days, when things are okay and I feel semi-normal. Most of those days and moments are when my I am with my son. All of those moments are with him, actually. He is going to grow up one day and have a life of his own. I only hope that my adoption trauma has not effected him as it has me. I never, ever want him to know the pain I have had to live. I want him to be normal and always feel "right" in this world.
Post reunion has not been good for me or my lost son; as in our relationship. Yes, I should have kept my big mouth shut, but I felt I had every right to contact his saintly adopter mother and tell her how I felt about what she did to me. I met this woman and spent time with her before he was born. I knew her before he did. I chose this woman who told me to "trust her". It was my choice of her and what she did to me that caused the living hell I had lived for the last 19 years. Your damn right I had a right to send her a message on Facebook... with her fake, phony smile beaming out to me from Facebookland, on MY son's Facebook page.
Not one time did she reach out to me after I found my son. Not one time did she say she was sorry for "losing contact", (yeah, that was their lame excuse). Not one time did she or any of her family offer one kind word to me or my youngest son. That sealed the deal. I officially abhorred her, and all of them for that matter. They called themselves such good Christians, yet could not offer even a simple hello to the woman who made their happiness possible, (at the expense of mine and my families happiness, without my child).
I did not want to hurt my son by confronting her, but his concern was for her; for them and only them. He refused to hear the truth of what had happened to US, so our relationship was severed. We only had an email relationship anyway; which was very controlled by them I highly suspect; but I committed the ultimate faux pas by speaking up for myself against untouchable, saintly, savior adopter mother.
How dare I. She get's off scot free after promising me things she knew she was never going to deliver on, to obtain my child and I am supposed to sit silently in the corner, like meek little "burfmommy"; forever cast to the shadows. HA! I think they had me slightly mistaken for someone else. I wonder how many times now they wish they had gotten another "birthmother", instead of one who actually stood up for the crime against humanity that was committed against myself and my son.
My son does not want me to ever contact them again, as I was told in November of
'09. Under no circumstances. He then posted a bible quote on his Facebook page that read something to the effect of "The wrath of God this or that". WOW. I am now the devil and god will strike me dead for dare speaking out against saintly adopter mother.
So let me get this straight. I got screwed in an open adoption, make every effort to find my child so he can know the truth of his life and what happened, then am apparently not allowed to speak up for what happened to me withouth being told to "never contact us again" and am now an evil devil who will be punished by the wrath of god.
So here we had a twenty year old woman, scared, vulnerable and trusting of people who tell her that she is doing the right thing for her child by relinguishing him because she is too young, too unmarried and too unwealthy. She goes through with this crime against humanity, (adoption), gets conned in a fraudulent open adoption just a few short years later. All of what is happening now, some twenty years later, is all I have for the hell I lived through all these years. Being called the devil by my own child, who will be punished by the wrath of god for daring to speak out against my oppressors, his adopters and the greedy baby brokers who facilited the whole thing.
Thanks adoption. Thanks a bunch. That win-win for all you liked to tout as the cure all in adoption... please tell me when that is going to come to fruition for me. I haven't felt like I've won much of anything in any of this. Especially now.
Silence = Oppression. Hence the name of this blog. I will never be silenced. Not my my son's adopters, and not even by him. I love him and wanted him in my life more than life itself, but I will not be told that I can have no voice in what has happened to me and to HIM. I DO NOT blame my son. He has been brainwashed by these people. I know this but he refuses to see it. Until he does things will have to be the way they are; and I hate every minute of it. He has the truth. What he chooses to do with it is up to him.
Why? I'll I can ever say is why? I feel like I am in a nightmare I cannot wake up from sometime, until I see my youngest son's smiling face and I know that things are going to be okay. Thank you, Ian.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
"No matter how far you have gone on the wrong road, turn back." Turkish Proverb
The years following losing my son were a fog. There is really no other way to describe it. My life now had two themes, one before I relinguished my son and one after. They were and remain two separate entities, because I would surely never be the same person that I was before my child was lost to me permanetly. The difference was like night and day. The innocence was gone and my trust in the decency of people would soon be gone forever as well, within a matter of a few years.
One positive thing I can say about those first few years is that my son's adopters were then honoring our agreement and I was recieving the promised correspondence and pictures. That made the pain more bearable; to be able to see pictures and know how he was progressing. I was also allowed one visit when he was a year old, which was surreal; for I was actually in the presence of him and able to hold and touch this beautiful baby. That lasted only a short while, though and leaving the restaurant that day was like having my heart ripped out of my chest, yet again.
Something just seemed so inherently wrong with this. He was MY child, not theirs. I created him and gave him life, not them. Although at that time since they were still honoring our agreement, I was not as vehemently sure that I had made a mistake as I ended up becoming and will remain until my dying day. I was only a year into it. I was still (just a tad bit) full of the adoption kool-aid and tried to convince myself that I had indeed made the right choice. Lying to myself, however, did not make walking away for the second time any easier. It was heartbreaking. I wanted and ached for my child, to watch him grow and reach all those milestones that I was missing. I would get pictures and letters though, so at least I had something, (for a few more years, anyway) and something was better than nothing. I tried with all of my being to reason with myself and say this would be enough; so not to break down completely and permanently.
Another part of my new, post adoption existence was what I did (or did not do) with my life, following relinguishment. I signed up for school a few months later, only to drop out after my first quarter. What I did following was fall into a tailspin of self-destruction that I am surprised at some points did not end my life. I drank and experimented with drugs as a kid, I will not lie. I rediscovered those things in a big way, post adoption and took partying and self destructing to a whole new level (go ahead, all of you who will be so quick to judge and say that I was unfit because I fell into this, I dare you). I would not have let these things take me to the depths of hell had I not lost my firstborn child, you can be rest assured of that.
Having the child that you brought into this world in your life somehow puts it all into perspective, especially when it comes to being self destructive and doing the wrong things. Being a mother to a second child born after him knows this. I did not have my firstborn child in my life and I coped with that through numbing myself. It took me many years to come to grips with my loss and stop slowly killing myself. I was just not equipt emotionally to deal with what I had done; give my child away to strangers, (strangers that also turned out to be scheming liars). As someone who was quite possibly pre-disposed to addiction, doing that was the nail in the coffin that I quite possibly may have found myself in, had I not stopped. Having my second son was a catalyst for that and I truly feel that I owe him my life. Second chances are hard to come by and I will not screw this one up... not a chance in hell.
I truly regret the path I took and lost opportunities that I cannot get back. I so admire those women who were able to go on and finish their education and embark on their chosen career path, while still in excruciating pain. If only I could have been that strong. I know why I made those wrong choices, because I was in PAIN, but I still beat myself up for it, nonetheless. I bounced from job to job and location to location, never settling in anywhere. I tried, unsucessfully to have relationships, which always turned out to be unhealthy and toxic. Before the adoption, I always had alot of friends and found relationships to be easy to come by. I now had few, if any friends and was very isolated. I still struggle with this, all of these years later. I just never felt right. I felt like damaged goods. I was. I am.
I truly believe that I would have been more likely to be in a much better place in my life right now had I kept my child, rather than give him up to strangers. That unnatural act guaranteed a life of emotional turmoil and grief that I struggle to this day to reconcile. That unnatural act of my child being raised by STRANGERS, who cut me out of the picture after they promised me they would not, made it at times impossible to cope and live my life with any sort of piece and serenity, in order to forge ahead accomplish those goals.
You think with passing time, things will get better. It does, I believe, until you find your child and everything you have learned to repress for your own survival suddenly gets reawakened. Then all hell breaks loose...
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
I sincerely hope that those who may be contemplaing surrendering THEIR child by being lured in with the promise of an "open adoption" will heed this warning.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
"Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do."
When I met a woman I will call "M", she seemed nice enough. I actually liked and looked up to her after we met on one fateful day, at the lovely maternity home where I was residing. I still don't think she is a horrible person, just biased as hell in regards to working as a social worker at an adoption agency. While there, she counseled many young women who were scared, vunerable and trying come to grips with what to do in facing an unplanned pregnancy. I was one of those young women and I have a beef with her. Why, you ask? Because she was an adoptive mother and she was there to convince people that they were making the "right" choice, regardless if they were or not. I cannot speak for the other young mothers, but this mother did not make the right choice.
She was on a mission to pursuade all of us how "wonderful" adoption was. She was there to to tell her story of the "ultimate adoption" experience that she had with her birthmother. She spoke of how she met and bonded with her birthmother while awaiting the birth of "her" baby. She also spoke of how birthmother reiterated that the baby she was carrying was not hers, but their baby. (Please excuse me while I go throw up. Every time I hear someone say that, I cringe). Social worker confided to me that birthmother said she had no feelings for her baby and that she was more than happy to provide her child to them, an infertle couple, then walk away and never look back. Social Worker then said something that was rather alarming to me. She said that if birthmother ever tried to get her baby back, then she and her husband would leave the country. "That is MY baby and noone will take her from me!" exclaimed Social Worker. I guess I should have seen the red flag on this day, as well. This woman looked downright crazed at the thought of someone taking "her" baby and just told me she would pack up and leave the country if said childs mother wanted her back.
No, that is not your baby. Someone entrusted you to raise her child because she was probably convinced (by people such as yourself), like so many others, that she was not good enough to be a mother to her own flesh and blood. You and your cohorts probably convinced her that YOU would be a better option because you had more cash and you were married. All of you who believe that just because you are infertle and happen to have loads of money to spare that you are entiltled to someone elses child, (because of that fact that you have more disposable income AT THE PRESENT TIME than a mother), then you are sadly mistaken. Who the hell gives you the right to feel that you are entitled to anything, especially someone else's child?
One afternoon I recall telling Social Worker that I considered taking my baby home with me for a day, to spend time with him before I said goodbye. She looked horrified and demanded "Well, you need to let them know!", "them" being my son's adopters. "You can't take their baby home and not let them know". "They have a right to know what you are going to do with their baby"! This is one of those instances that I wish I could go back in time and change what I would have said to someone, because had she said this to me NOW, here is what my response would be (then, I did not say anything; sat there dumbfounded):
"Excuse me? Did you just have the audacity to say to me that I had to have permission from some strangers to take MY CHILD home with me from the hospital? Please tell me you did not just say that? You did just say that. Well, let me tell you something... I will take MY child anywhere I damn well please. Excuse me again while I tell you it is none of yours or anyone elses business should I decide to take my child anywhere. Perhaps I will take him out of the country, because that is MY baby and noone will take MY baby from me. You can relate to that statement, now can't you Social Worker M; relate to wanting to up and leave the county with my child that some woman is trying to steal from me with her lies and deception. I know you can, because you are that woman. Now please get out of my face and get back on your high horse and ride off into the sunset. I hear it is nice in hell. Now that would be a good country for you to escape to..."