Saturday, February 12, 2011
"God Puts Us Where We're Supposed To Be?"
"Although some brainwashing parents may avoid conflict with you, inside they’re often a boiling cauldron of hatred and hostility." –
These were the words that were spoken to me by my own child at our first and apparently only meeting; after I told him that I had always regretted going through with the adoption and always grieved the loss of him; of us losing one another in our lives. "God puts us where were supposed to be". Time stopped when I heard those words. I struggled to breathe. He could not mean that.
Did he think I was such a horrible person and that I would have been such a horrible mother that he actually DID believe that? What was said to him, via his adopters of course, that would have made him believe this nonsense? Us losing one another for all those years was tragic, horrific and painful beyond words. It could all be so simple as "God puts us where we are supposed to be?" I don't think so.
I realized not long after that meeting that those were not HIS words, but those of his adopters and their prospective clans. They have worked their brainwashing magic into him since day one (you know, the adopter "magic" of convincing a child whom is not really theirs that it was all "meant to be" and you were never supposed to be with that woman who created, carried and gave birth to you). 'She means nothing. We mean everything and will, for the rest of your life, drill this nonsense into your head so you will actually believe it.'
What better way to do this than to brainwash and indoctrinate a child into religion. By doing that, you have, for rest of your lives, guaranteed that your adoptee will remain loyal to you and only you. You have guaranteed that your adoptee will always and forever see you as you and your saintly, saviour selves as his only parents and family. You have guaranteed that 'your' adoptee (MY son) will never see his mother (you know, the one you conned, manipulated and decieved out of her child with lies and false promises of an "open adoption" you never intended to honor) as nothing but an incubator for YOU. Why? Because how is your adoptee supposed to argue with your god you have convinced him really exists? Your god willed it all so he can't possible argue with that, can he? WRONG.
I did and came up with my own conclusion that has nothing to do with any god or supernatural deity who willed the horror and pain of what I had to endure all so they could live happily ever after in fantasy land.
I was a believer at one time, too, although I was what I would call a skeptical believer. I always had doubts about the existence of a supernatural being who will's things to happen in people's lives, but I "went along with it", so to speak, as so many do, so not to shake things up. Besides, what does it hurt, to believe in god, a higher power? People who are Christians are good, decent people who live a Godly life, right? They don't deliberately hurt someone, namely a young, vulnerable scared pregnant woman, because they are so desperate for a baby? Nah. No "good "Christian" would do such a thing, would they? WRONG.
When I chose the couple who would go on to adopt my son (good GOD it hurts to even write), that is one of the things that appealed to me about them. They were good Christians. They would be honorable people. They would not lie to me, hurt my son or hurt me. They would make good on their promises to me of ongoing contact and pictures, letter and videotapes until my son turned 18.
That was the worst mistake I could have made in that whole process, trusting these people based on their bogus "good Christian" persona's. That was used as a marketing tool, by them and by the baby brokers. They have used their "tool" throughout my son's life to convince him that he belonged with them and not me, his rightful mother. They are still using their we're such good Christians tool and I think they succeed in fooling a great many people by their fake, phony, holier than thou, self righteous bit.
One person they stopped fooling a long time ago is ME, the person it mattered most that did believe their hogwash; so they could get their hands on my flesh and blood and leave me for dead. It didn't work. I woke up from the fog and they were exposed for what they really were. What they really were and are is desperate, self entitled, selfish, cold-hearted liars who would have done anything to get their hands on a womb wet infant, then wish that child's mother dead. Nothing more, nothing less. You can spare me the "good Christian" bullshit. It's over. If I believed in any god, which I most certainly no longer do, they would be the farthest thing from what a "good Christian" could and would ever be. Guaranteed.
This is astoundingly sickening beyond words. I have to block it out most of the time. I just can't think about it. These liars who claim to be such "good Christan's" think they can get away with this after what they did to me, by using their "god's will" agenda; as so many other adopters do. My situation is not unique, unfortunately.
I will say this with absolute certainty. I do not now, nor will I ever believe that there is some god who allows some to gain at the expense and suffering of another. What kind of god is that? Is that a fair god? Is that a just god? Is that a god who only cares about the poor infertile woman and her zeal to become a mother no matter who's life is destroyed in the process? If there is such a "god", he's a real jerk. He loved her and her family but didn't love me? Geez, I feel so snubbed; so unworthy so undeserving of my own child. NO, that is how I used to feel. Not anymore. That is the thought process they had hoped I would carry with me throughout my life; so they could continue to live in fantasy land with my child. I was worthy of my child; I was worthy to be a mother to my own flesh and blood. She was not more worthy and deserving of my child than I. She never was and will never be.
I, today am not so narcissistic to think that there is a god who has plans just for ME, no matter what the cost to my fellow human beings. I think there are a great many adopters who may need to take heed to that. They want what they want and will use any means to get it, including invisible cloud buddy in the sky.
Unfortunately for you, there are those such as myself who are speaking out about what happened to us. Your bubble is being burst and I will not ever stop speaking out; especially where religion and adoption are concerned. Too many young women are being separated from their children by those using the word of "god" as their weapon of choice. I has to stop. Now.
“Trying to reform narcissists by reasoning with them or by appealing to their better nature is about as effective as spitting in the ocean.”